Mad World
by Flusteredflamingo
Summary: Modern world AU. The world is especially hard on it's outcasts and unfortunately the Akatsuki are about as far from normal as possible and to top that their stuck in a tenant building run by the ever greedy Kakuzu. Includes some pretty dark humor, religious cults, art terrorists, Kakuzu's pragmatism, blind jokes, god complex, sketchy work opportunities, etc.
1. In The Beginning There Was Nothing

Rent was tough in the city, especially when you were a revolutionary and low on cash—or, you know, just cheap. Pein was a god he deserved more, but all religions had rough starts, even when those religions had sexy angels. He was starting to think what he needed was disciples, possibly a more distinguished symbol. Currently he was testing out the more piercings than a porcupine thing but that didn't seem to be drawing in the right attention. His Angel Kohan was very supportive even taking up piercings of her own and going to all his sermons, but so far no others had joined them in prayer to him.

That is how he ended up putting up fliers in the hall of his apartment building. The proprietor didn't respect Pein's divinity and demanded timely rent payments and never gave slack. Pein's youtube channel helped get them funds—and of course Kohan's paper craft series was popular (along with her more exotic side jobs)—but it was often still hard to make ends meet. Just last week they'd had to cut their budget on candles when the landlord had fined them for running a business on his property. Where all the money the guy got from his tenants went was beyond Pein as the property was a shit hole. He assumed the jerk just hoarded it like Scrooge.

Pein stapled the last of the fliers Kohan had made for him on the final floor built board over a fools booklet on the wonders of the false god Jashin

—

There was a loud, furious banging on Pein's door that completely ruined his sermon recording and he'd really been getting into it. Kohan nodded to him signaling that she'd stopped the recording. The knocking got angrier and he considered pretending he wasn't home wondering if the door could take it.

"PEIN!" It was the landlord.

Kohan stood up carefully dusting off her skirt and making her slow way to the door. Pein watched her go glad he hadn't had enough money to order those robes for his church what with the view. She truly was an angel she managed to open the door with the most elegant of smiles, "Hello Mr. Kakuzu."

Mr. Kakuzu was a rough guy long hair down his back, demonic eyes the green of his favorite comity. He wore cheap suits like a sleazy car dealer and did business like one. He held up a flyer, one of the ones Pein had put out that morning, "What is this?"

"The billboards are for notices," Kohan smiled politely.

"The billboards are for paid advertisements not your god complex shit."

Pein decided now wasn't the right time to bring up his idea about no-profit organization housing cuts. It never seemed to be the time for that. People these days just didn't respect divinity as they once had.

"Fifty bucks."

"What?"

"Fifty bucks a day for advertisement on our buildings bulletin boards, a hundred in the alleyway."

"That's not fair."

"Life is not fair Mr. Pein, the money must be in my office tomorrow for today and however many days your keeping your advertisement up along with a hundred dollar retainer for hosting a business gathering on the premise or I'm evicting you and holding onto your deposit and the entire months rent no refunds." He slammed the door. If Pein had slammed the door like that he would've been fined for damaged, but Kakuzu always slammed doors the man had anger issues. Pein had attempted to convert him without success and had been fined for what Kakuzu had deemed a unsolicited advertisement and waste of time.

Pein would move but he couldn't disengage from his religious standoff with the loud albino jerk from across the hall. As the one true god it was his duty to destroy all blasphemers. Also there was a moving fine of a million dollars before the contracts expiration date in fifty years. Kakuzu hd slipped that into a thousand page contract that no one had read and brought it up casually when Pein had attempted to move the first time.

Kohan patted him softly on the shoulder, "Baby I've got to get some sleep before work will you be able to finish the upload." She asked because last time she'd left him alone with the camera they'd ended up needing a new camera. He kissed her running his tongue over the piercing of hers and feeling brief elation as he flew with his angel. He told her he had it. Once she was gone he called up that kid from the second floor, Tobi, to help him. The camera in the guys hands got a bit shaky but Pein could pay him in lollipops and the kid would walk around telling people Pein was a god with a little subtle prompting.

—

Kohan A.K.A Angel worked nights at a Gentleman's club called The Siren three blocks from the tenant building she lived in with Pein. Some of the girls lived farther off simply to avoid running into clients. Personally, Kohan liked the looks on men's face when they saw her out in public when they were with their wives, their girlfriends, maybe their kids who didn't may not know they hadn't been bowling and talking about the stock market. Then again they might.

Tonight was a busy one, her body glistened as she went through the motions moving to the deep tone of take me to church. Some moron, sadist, or cheap bastard threw a fricking handful of quarters at her and she somehow managed to keep a sexy sultry look on her face. Then again, working with Pein gave her a lot of chances to practice looks like that. Sometimes he made her wish she'd stayed with Nagito.

Her hand slid up the bar balancing with the other as she spun then dipped back arching a heeled foot drifting over the ground stirring the money on it. A few of the more excited 'gentlemen' were spewing lewd her elbow hooked the bar head titling sensationally eyes aloof. She could fly above it all if she didn't look at the floor, at the patrons. Her loose fluttering hand slid slow down her leg hooking the heel and raising it the music swelling.

The that foot cane to the ground as the song ended, back and it's inked wings on full display in the flashing lights, her trademark.

—

It relaxed Kakuzu to balance his checkbooks, that was the only reason he didn't take off the Albino's head when amid doing this the guy just barged in. Hidan was the most annoying tenant he'd ever had in all his career, unfortunately he was also the most profitable because he was a moron. Kakuzu had no idea how the guy made money between his religious mania and Saturdays standing on a soap box a few streets down, but he had a lot of it. Granted the dumbass was so bad with money it hurt the empty void where Kakuzu's heart had been before he'd replaced it with a heavy duty safe and filled it with the fiscal profits from his many business ventures.

"Time is money Hidan, don't waste mine."

He was holding up one of Pein's fliers, how Kakuzu had managed to get some many religious psychos in one place was a mystery to him but he was starting to wonder if he could draw in a university study to profit off of the sheer concentration of them.

"FUCK YOUR MONEY YOU HEATHEN!" Hidan screeched slamming down the flier, "The fuck is this shit it was over my pamphlets." Ah yes the pamphlets, Kakuzu drew out the swear jar from the drawer of his desk and put it down. Hidan patted his chest which was inexplicably bare, then the pockets of his well fitted jeans. He dumped three quarters in and held more at the ready. As he went on his rant Kakuzu shrewdly took in the details of the albino's waxed chest and lean muscled body thinking of all the women that would buy pictures of it and all the profit he could make. Meanwhile, a steady clink was interspersed between most of Hidan's words. Swear jars filled up quick around him and the dumbass never learned.

"Scrooge you fucking listening?" Another coin went to the jar.

Kakuzu was surprised the guy knew who scrooge was, maybe he'd heard someone else saying it.

"Unfortunately I can not take down a paid bulletin, but I can request that he move any posters blocking your advertisements."

"They're truth not advertisements you sleazy— _fuck_ " he realized he didn't have any more quarters.

"I'll keep a tally for next time."

"May Jashin castrate you greedy heathen."

"Points for creativity but that was still swearing."

"Fine him."

These words were surprisingly enticing, Hidan had so much profit potential. Kakuzu rose and eyebrow at him. He would do just that, "I'll take it into consideration. Even the man's backside was toned Kakuzu noted as Hidan stormed out and slammed the door. Yes he could be annoying but he also wreaked of profit and for some reason roses.


	2. Life With Limits

Deidara leaned back and watched as the flames rise from his chosen rooftop reveling in the vivid color. The bursts of rich orange and yellow, the spots white where the heat had intensified in beautiful fury. It was art. It was a torch lighting the sky in brief glory.

It wasn't until the sweet embers died down that he left his perch and slipped back into the building.

"Sempai!" Tobi, that crazy brat who couldn't take a hint rushed to his side waving like he was having a seizure.

"Leave me alone kid, un?" he brushed past dreading the five floors he was going to have to get down before he could slam his door in the kid's face. The excitable brat obviously was given too much candy and watched too much anime. His parents were never around.

"Were you using the telescope again Sempai? I watched a documentary with Mr. Sasori about the stars, they're forever."

Deidara hissed, "Stars go out with a bang huh? They do not last forever—the moron."

"Now that's not nice Sempai," Tobi waved his finger at him, "That words a bad word, and you have to wash out bad words with soap, and soap tastes bad, and then lollipops don't taste right, and then your sad because lollipops don't taste right all because of bad words."

Deidara groaned, the last thing he needed was this kid giving him lectures, "Why are you up this late huh? Where are your parents?"

"Out."

Deidara sighed, "Alright uh, Sasori babysitting."

"Silly Sempai I don't need a baby sitter."

Deidara tried to tell himself it wasn't weird that an over hyper kid called him Sempai, that didn't make it not weird. He snagged Tobi by the blanket cape and gave him a tug, "Come on, uh. Back it is."

—

Sasori noticed Tobi had wandered off when Deidara brought him in and dumped the kid on the couch handing him the TV remote. Sasori went back to his knitting.

"Hey, uh, whats the deal. With Madara and Hashirama this time?"

Sasori started a new row, he was to into it to stop for the blonde, "Don't know he was sort of just there when I finished the blanket."

"The one he's wearing as a cape, un? That's your fault."

The blonde had got him, he looked up to see Tobi did have the blanket tied at his shoulders by a cape and had now made himself at home watching Sailor Moon. Sasori suspected the kid only came to his place because he had a TV and Deidara didn't. Deidara kept getting fired from tattoo pallor and was perpetually in a state of being between jobs. Why the blonde did tattoos was beyond him—the guy had plenty of weird mouth ones everywhere sure—but he kept ragging on Sasori about art not being permanent. Really it seemed like Deidara was the only fixture in his chosen career that wasn't permanent.

Sasori had lost count on his knitting, this was disappointing. The blonde was digging through the fridge.

"Why do you only buy crappy beer, this brand tastes like horse piss, un?" Deidara notably took the beer anyway, he complained to much. Sasori finished his recount and the row tuning out Deidara's grumbling until the blade sat down across from him with the horse piss beer looking disgruntled. From this close Sasori could smell the gasoline on him.

Deidara scowled, "What is that look for? I'm not the one knitting like a pansy and hosting the lollipop guild, un?" Deidara was one to talk. He had long luscious blonde locks and liked crop tops, earrings, and nail polish. On one occasion when Tobi had somehow gotten them to take him out for ice-cream an old guy on the subway had ogled Deidara until he'd heard the blonde speak, then he'd started swearing about the invasion of the faggots. Long story short, Tobi had gotten his ice-cream and Sasori had gotten to drag Deidara off an old man before assault charges could be pressed.

"Mister Sasori!" Tobi popped his head over the table's edge like a prairie dog grinning wildly, "Did you finish it?"

Sasori nodded vaguely gesturing to the chair a green scarf was hung over. Tobi took it up and twirled it like a ribbon doing a dance around the living space. Deidara wordlessly took a swig of beer and hammered his hand down on the table getting up, "I'm out of here, huh."

"Nooo Sempai Tobi has to show you his scarf!" Tobi cried grabbing hold of his leg and continuing while the blonde tried to shake him of, "Stay Sempai watch Sailor Moon with Tobi, you can have the blanket. You can help Tobi make a blanket fort and if we make a blanket fort we can stay in the blanket fort, and if we stay in the blanket fort we can have a big sleepover and my dads can come and Shark my goldfish, and Mr. Wiggles the cat, and even Mr. Kakuzu though he scares Tobi we can still be friends."

"Kid you've been watching too much Sesame Street."

Sasori waved his hand vaguely at Tobi, "You know where the sheets and safety pins are."

"Yay!" Tobi nearly sent up dust as he ran out of the room dragging his scarf behind him.

The blonde growled, "Your serious? Why do you encourage him?"

"He's a kid Deidara humor him, anyway it's not interfering with anything and he shows off my work when he's out."

The blonde's eyes narrowed, "So that's it you're using him to sell your shit I should've known."

Sasori shrugged as he couldn't deny it. Selling art was hard especially when most people—Deidara included—didn't have eyes for proper art. A well knitted piece put through the right wash could last a life time. Good woodwork with a varnish could be passed through generations, "At least I don't display my art by lighting it on fire."

"Hey shut up, un, the kid might hear you." "You wreak of the gasoline, your going to get caught. Kakuzu's going to find out and report you for the money the second you miss a payment."

"You so convinced why don't you turn me in, huh? You to much of a pansy?"

It wouldn't hurt and Sasori could use the money to get a nice cedar. The blonde like to show off to much to even hide it from him anymore it didn't take much to get him to confess. It was a shock the cops hadn't caught him yet though, there must be something to his strategy, right? "I could."

Deidara glanced over his shoulder making sure Tobi was still out cleaning his throat, "But seriously, can you get a better beer next time, un."

—

Kisame found Itachi sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor when he got home with Shisui the dog nowhere to be seen and glass everywhere. He slid off his jacket and put it on the rack next to Itachi's cane and the empty dog Harness. He thought the urge to automatically take control of the situation, "Do you need help?"

"You put the mugs in the wrong spot."

"Oh I was rushing to work…sorry about that."

"It sounded like there was a lot I didn't want to feel because I figured you'd be home in just a few and as it's your fault."

"Got it, do you want to get up first?"

"I'd like tea before you clean."

"Got it." Kisame made his way around the glass and to the shelves. The mugs were on eh wrong side. Itachi must really be desperate for tea if he hadn't noticed the shape and textural difference. He must've been speaking to his brother again their relationship had been strained since their parents had died. Sasuke blamed Itachi for it. The teapot was still steaming and the green tea was out on the counter. Kisame passed the cup down and went for the broom and dustpan stopping to pat Shisui on the head as he did.

"How did work go?"

"The clients were rough," Itachi sighed holding his mug tight, "the conference call lasted an extra two hours. Your swimming lessons?"

"Good but this kid Suigetsu is getting to fancy with the dives he'd going to break his neck and I'm going to be stuck with a bunch of paperwork. Kid thinks he's going to get into the olympics."

"Well you made it."

Kisame snorted dumping the glass into the trash going for the vacuum to get the last bits, "Yeah well he's got a way's to go and he doesn't have a gorgeous support man like me." Kisame sat down on the kitchen floor. Itachi reached up feeling his face with a mug warmed hand smiling thinly. Shisui chose that moment to come lick their face wagging his tail wildly.


	3. Meet and Greet

Konan changed from her little black dress to a little white dress with an open back to show of her wings. She pinned back her locks with a crown of white flowers and slipped on a pair white lace stockings clipping them to her garter belt and stepped into a pair of white heels. The bright lights made her shine, made her look the angel Pein had named her, at least his variation on one. Angel's like her were good when it came to drawing in followers.

She found Pein in the kitchen as she'd expected, he was sneaking some of the fresh chocolate scones, the god he was reciting temptation. He was in a nice cut white suit, it had been costly but ultimately worth it, it fit him well. She pinched the well fit slack's supple curve, "Hey baby."

"Angel."

"Don't eat them all, and don't while you hands on the suit okay?"

"Okay."

"The meeting is in just a few minutes so we should bring out the snacks and drinks to the living room and make sure the candles are lit and your books out."

"You make me feel like a lucky god."

She licked her finger and whipped the chocolate from the edge of his lips careful for his gleaming snakebites, "Yeah well let's hope that luck brings in donations for our church so we can pay off the landlord for those advertisements."

"Especially with the extra fines for covering up that Albino pimps posters like anyone would listen to the moron talk about his false god."

Kohan smiled thinly, she was glad for the albino's proximity, besides being nice to look at, he inspired an interesting rivalry with Pein.

They moved the bribery to the living room. She'd had her hand in straightening out the place because the exorbitant charges Kakuzu made for using the basement for organizations were rough. There were nice throws on the couches covering up the old couches, she'd gotten them from the strange red head a few floors up. Then there was some matting to cover some holes int he carpet, candles to set the mood. Everything was topical but it set the right mood not intense exorbitance but simple elegance. They propped open the door and redid themselves for the rush or lack of people.

Converts came in distinctive types. There were the devotees, who you could work with. There were the theorists who didn't understand the cause. There were the crazies who were kind of like both the devotees and theorists (both off in their own respects) but to unstable to really make the right kind of follower. So far they'd only gotten the crazies in person. The portion of their church that was online was slowly gaining some ground but it had a lot to contest with and a lot of over zealous trolls.

"Why what a nice place, is this the Sunday brunch."

Konan presented the woman with a smile, "Yes brunch with the Church of Pein." She stepped on Pein's foot to get him to look away from his snack. Men and food. The women was really a granny old and withered with snowy white hair, but she had shown up.

"Why what a funny name is it a branch of Christianity."

"Not in truth," Pein took the Grannies hand leaving her to the cushy seat beside the couch, "Christianity like other religions has failed society. The time has come to worship a start to ethanol peace. Peace which can only be gained after the Path's of Pein are surpassed and the dead are resected to join with those they were lost to. We must unite the world, the people into one body under one god who will than cleanse us of our pain."

"Like hell you fucking heathen blasphemer." Hidan had appeared in the doorway with some kind of strange day of the dead looking makeup on and no shirt. Konan did not mind the lack of a shirt, evening party crashing and being an asshole the albino was as tasty as ever. To top it off his outburst had enraged Pein.

"Why don't you go screw yourself for Jashin."

"Fuck you ."  
"No fuck you."

Granny smiled pleasantly at both supposedly grown men as if nothing had happened: "Why don't you boys sit down? There's such a nice spread it would be a same to waste it."

"Like you understand true pain pansy." Hidan hissed leaning against the wall and bitting into a pastry angrily powdered sugar messing up his skull makeup.

"That would be a dollar"

They all looked to the speaker the old landlord who was now sitting next to the old woman with a cup of coffee and a plate of pastries and fruit. When he'd entered was beyond them.

"Old fucktard bastard."

"I'll just keep a tally then, shall I?"

Konan wasn't sure if she wanted to know, "I didn't know you were interested in the Church of Pein Mr. Kakuzu."

"Oh I'm not but free food and show was advertised," He smiled at granny, "Hello Mrs. Smith."

Granny's eyes gleaming, "Call me Sophia Mr. Kakuzu. When I was in my prime I would go to brunches all the time, that's of course before I meet Miss Mrs Smith back when we were at a bonfire burning our bras. Oh those days."

Konan smiled thinly, "That's a nice story Sophia" she stepped on Pein's foot again heel digging in.

He stopped glaring at Hidan, "Yes, very interesting."

"I went to those protests—you know against Vietnam—and Miss America, and other things. We protested a lot me and Audrey—us and our friends. I certainly didn't think I was going to turn into the old hag I am now."

Hidan grumbled something under his breath drawing Sophia's sparkling eyes, "What was that Sonny?"

"I said _damn cougar"_

Kakuzu cheerily added another tally mark to the notebook he'd drawn out of seemingly nowhere.

Granny Sophie smiled colder than ice, "Why what a charming young man."

Hidan growled, "Listen lady let's get something straight this heretic's deity is himself the fake bastard shuns the true god lord Jashin and has no understanding of the pain of others—true Pein. For the heathen's sins Jashin with rips out his innards in an eternal cycle along with that of his whore. They will be force fed the blood of their hewn open chests and be used to fill the fucking river of blood where the true followers bathe so they may eternally spread the word of Jashin or the true god."

"Why I didn't know there were such new and colorful religions coming to be. You know back in my day—"

"Screw your day you hag no one gives a rats ass the amount of fucks I give could not be measured even in the books of that greedy heathen of a landlord!"

Sophie rose her crinkled crepe paper hand hitting Hidan's face like a anvil, "Shame boy do you speak to your mother with that mouth young man?" The question must've been rhetorical as she was out of the room (notably with a fresh plate of pastries, with remarkable agility for someone of her years.

"Ow that hurt fucking shrew," Hidan muttered putting a hand to his ruined face makeup.

Kakuzu shut his notebook cheerily rising, "Why this has been every bit as interesting as I thought it would be." The landlord it seemed was the only one getting anything out of this meeting. Before left he nodded to Hidan, "I round up it's fifty straight the bank on the corner is good for quarters unless you want me to add the tally to the rent we can discuss it later. I expect a decision by noon tomorrow."

"Fuck you Kakuzu!" he picked up a scone and stuffed it in his mouth, "Hey heretic where did you get these things?"

Pein sighed, "Just take them."

Hidan frowned, "Hmm and your not just trying to get rid of me?"

Pein scowled, "Just take them and get out before I call Kakuzu back to fine you." He took up the entire platter. By this point the makeup was running down his oiled chest mixed with sugar. Even like this it was fascinating for Konan to watch him. He moved like a Jaguar with tensed lean muscle. He had strong arms too, the body to work on the pole but none of the bruises that came with the profession. She saw him eyeing the muffins and picked up the platter placing it on top of the one he already had, "Same deal as Kakuzu's, get these platters back by noon."

"I guess your not such a bitch after all."

"And wash that stupid makeup off."

"It's for Jashin."

"Is this Jashin guy your god or your boyfriend?" She could see Pein practically steaming in the corner of her eye, oh yes she needed the albino more often it really brought out a passion in Pein."


	4. Strike

Konan was doing floor work the pointed tips of her six-inch platforms drawing in luscious loops and she arched her back, breast welling up in the white leather cup, corset straining. It wasn't the best outfit the more skin the easier and the extra coverage though alluring left her feeling it each time she wore it.

She was on her knees at the pole taking it in her hands rolling her neck blue locks drifting over her straining wings flashing. She brought her hips around thighs meeting the bar and hanging out. She was in a simple pose breast thrust out, her elbow hooked with the slow luxurious movement of her flight. Her hands lightly reaching to the heavens. The point of one heel skimming the ground in a figure eight.

She saw him again as she leaned her head back, the albino. She slipped down bringing her back against the stage ending the number with a soft gasp as a quarter hit her chest. It was him who threw the quarters, the hell?

When she was finished she went to the bar trapping a boa of white feathers over her shoulders slamming hand on the bar, "Seltzer with lemon. Fucking sadist." she hissed at the Albino. He sat casually on the stool next to the one she'd taken. He looked good as always, especially with these junk from this morning off his face. Hidan snorted, "Took you a while whore, too busy orgasming at the thought of your fake god to notice."

"I noticed these," she dumped a bag full of coin on the bar the change clattering to make itself know, "What you doing here don't tell me this is approved by your boyfriend Jashin."

"Your one to talk bitch, does yours approve of this shit?"

"Pays the bills," she glanced at his open shirt, "You come for a dance?"

"Fuck no. Like I'd pay heathen whores to defile me."

"Then why are you here?"

"They got the strongest drinks this side of the city, none of that shitty pansy water like other places."

Their drinks weren't the strongest he was making stuff up now compensating. Was he stalking her? Trying to get something on Pein? She didn't really think he was bright enough for that kind of thing or really any kind of sabotage. Those fines had definably been all Kakuzu.

It didn't take long to find that the drinks really were the draw. Two in and he was already gone cheeks flushed in a bring heat his ramblings even further of the edge that was typical. She would've sworn that somewhere in his senseless ramblings he confessed to murder.

She should've left him there under the bar. But she found herself heading home with her work duffle over one shoulder and him leaning on the other cussing her out.

When they were in the building he sunk to the stairs crying and refused to get up gripping about being touched by a slut so she kicked him off her legs and marched up the stairs her heels clanking with every step. She needed a hot bath to ease the soreness and take off the coating of sweat. She still wanted to draw out Pein's rage but she was no longer in the mood to deal with the drunk albino despite the plans she'd been going over on the way home. Also, she hadn't wanted throw up on her new six inches.

—

Kakuzu was making grand plans for tax fraud when there came knocking at his door. He'd figured that with the increasingly obvious religious leanings of his tenants he would register for nonprofit tax breaks. It would take a lot of red tape but the money he'd save would make it all worth it.

He didn't open the door and it was pushed open roughly by the annoying Albino communicating in slurred swears. Before Kakuzu could start a tally the Albino dropped to the desk hugging it's top like a best friend sobbing, "Jashin is that you?"

"Fucking moron, no I'm not—"

His tears were getting all over the papers. Kakuzu furiously gripped his head pushing him back onto the floor. He was going to murder the fanatic.

"Jashin take me," Hidan moaned reaching out as if willing on more pain. Kakuzu acted in compliance with his wishes stepping on his ribs. Hidan hugged his leg with clawed hands groaning, "Yes, yes fucking destroy me Jashin!" Was this deranged dumbass serious? Kakuzu wondered how much money it took to get someone this drunk. This guy was truly a shameful waste. Yet still—Kakuzu couldn't shake the feeling that with the direction he had profit potential.


	5. Shit Hits The Fan

Hidan woke in the glorious nude with a headache worthy of Jashin in unfamiliar sheets. They were white and cotton, nothing like the blood red silk of his own. They stank of practicality and that set off something in him, "Fuck no…FUCK NO!"

"Would you shut up moron?" Kakuzu put his hand over Hidan's mouth looking surprisingly composed for a guy who was also naked and in bed with Hidan who he hated with an intensity worthy of one of Jashin's followers a trait rare in a money obsessed heathen. Had Hidan managed to convert him to the ways of Jashin in the chunk of time he could remember? He felt fairly sore so probably. Momentarily satisfied with this revelation he laid back and gave the old miser a once over.

Now that Hidan really looked he didn't look too old he was muscular with copper brown skin coated in scars and tattoos a sign that he had perhaps known pain despite his greed. This at least he could be on board with. Also Hidan had a thing for tattoos. That whore's one, for example, was actually exquisite and there was a transvestite a few floors up who knew ink. His own personal one bore the mark of Jashin and rode low on his back.

"The fuck are you looking at Albino."

"The fuck happened?

Kakuzu scoffed, "You got pissed and decided to break into my office."  
"Then how the hell did I wind up in your bed?"

Kakuzu put on a pair of reading glasses and drew out a yellow legal pad and pen from his dresser drawer. He did some obscure sums and handed the total to him, "You owe me a $2,100 plus a clean up fee of $150 for vomiting on my desk."

"Heathen what does this have to do with waking up in your cheap ass bed?"

"I suggest you take the bill and look it over on your way out. Your clothes are in the bathroom. Your not using my water so don't even think of showering here."

"I wouldn't think of it your soaps probably as cheap as your sheets greedy pansy"

"Perhaps you should examine the itinerary on that bill before you call me a pansy."

Hidan made a show out of getting dressed angrily jerking his jeans up commando. He gritted his teeth trying not to let the burn of his raw ass let him wince. He tugged on his shirt, thrust his feet into his shoes, and gripped his jacket under his arm. His wallet was actually still in his pocket, his damn phone was nowhere to be found.

When he got back to his place the damn lollipop guild was sitting in front of the false gods door wrapped head to toe in a green scarf with a plate of cookies positioned strategically so he could lean over and take them with his teeth. Hidan scowled at the fucktard: _"_ Are the false god and his whore in?"

"Why hello Mr. Skull Man. They are speaking loudly at each other about thumbnails. Tobi has sensitive ears so Miss Angel sent Tobi outside with these cookies. Tobi will hare his cookies if you want. Tobi would also like to let you know that your fly is down Mr. Skill Man. If you fly is down then you will catch flies and if you catch flies they will come out and eat your cookies so there will be none left for you. Also you might catch a cold and if—"

Hidan scooped up the tray of cookies, kicked open his door, and slammed it in the lollipop guild's face.

—

Pein was having a bad day, even before his angel deserted him and moved across the hall with a pillowcase full of lingerie. Maybe he shouldn't have asked her to make him that sandwich. Or perhaps he shouldn't have let Tobi produce his youtube channel. Unwittingly the kid had been using clickbait photos from Konan's work portfolio for the last three months causing a surge in subscribers and patron supporters. Personally Pain hadn't seen a problem, but his sexy angel had thought mass distribution of images of her for free online—and on calendars, card decks, and mousepads—cheapened her carefully constructed persona. She's highlighted this fact by breaking several plates, smashing a blender, and hitting him with whatever was in reach, including, but not limited to, both of her stilettos and a feather boa. His sandwich had also been a victim of his Angel's wraith.

"Hello Mr. Pein," Tobi appeared peaking around the doorframe clutching something in his hands carefully maneuvering around broken glass and scattered flyers, "Miss Angel wanted me to give this to you." It the rent, and not the paid rent, the bill for it. Good luck was written on the envelope mockingly.

—

Hidan was mid shower when he heard his door slam open.

"Kakuzu you fucking miser—" he froze at the entrance to his kitchen surprised to find that slut Konan there making herself at home going through his cabinets.

"What the hell are you doing"

"Making dinner, do you prefer chicken or beef in your stir fry?"

He considered kicking her out before remembering the scones and cookies.

"Chicken or beef?"

"Beef you cunt. Why are you here shouldn't you be dancing for your heretic fake god?"

"I'm moving in with you."

"Like hell you are. I don't give charity to whores."

"Yes you do because it will annoy Pein. Now would you go get dressed it's unsanitary to be nude in the kitchen."

He glared at her, consider taking her by her hair and throwing her out but she was right it would piss the shit out of the heretic which was surely Jashin approved. Also he kind of liked the heathen wench.

"Fine but I'm not washing the dishes."

"On the contrary you will wash the dishes and like it, and if your a good boy I'll make you desert." He muttered obscurities under his breath as he left but about an hour or so later washed the dishes in eerie silence for the bitch had made lemon poundcake.


	6. No such thing as a quick fix

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" Tobi had discovered yarn in its raw form. Finally, it made sense to him why Mr. Sasori was so obsessed with it. He was currently on the floor wrapped in it like a moth right where the spider wanted it. Tobi did not like spiders but he knew this was how he was wrapped. He had gotten in this state attempting to be one with the kitty which had wandered in to watch Sailor Moon with him. Kitty was now knocking things off the counter while Tobi rolled jubilantly around the /About ten anime girl transformations later Mr. Sasori was back. Mr. Sasori's face remained blank. He brushed the kitty off the counter and stood over Tobi: "You look like a puppet."br / "Tobi likes puppets."br / Sasori's eye twitched, "Is your Sempai around?"br / "No Mr. Sasori, Sempai is at work he left before the kitty came."br / Sasori picked up a pair of scissors, "Let me introduce you to my puppets./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" Tobi was impressed by all the puppets, Mr. Sasori had a full room of them most of them resembling animals with sleek coats of fur that looked so real Tobi wanted to, and did, pet some of it. Mr. Sasori stood at his shoulder, "These are special projects."br / "Like my scarf?"br / "These aren't to give away or be bought. They're my masterpieces."br / "Okay Mr. Sasori Tobi will believe you they are very nice. So soft."br / Sasori nodded, glancing over his shoulder like Deidara Sempai might jump out from behind something, "This is between us Tobi, Deidara can't see these he doesn't understand my art."br / "I'm sure Sempai—"br / "If you tell him I will make you into one of my puppets Tobibr / "Don't be silly Mr. Sasori. But if it's important to you Tobi won't tell Sempai."br / "You should go back home Tobi you haven't been there for three days straight."br /He nodded making his way back to his own floor an idea blossoming like spring flowers in his skull. He was going to give Mr. Sasori a present, a chance to show off his masterpiece. Tobi was going to host a puppet /—br / "Not that room," Hidan gripped Konan's wrist stopping her in her tracks, "Not that room."br / "I've got to sleep somewhere."br / "You can sleep anywhere but in there."br / She rose an eyebrow at the albino, what was with him. Was he hiding a body or something? Drugs maybe? Maybe that's where he stored the ridiculous amount of quarters he always had on him. "Same layouts, that's your room this is the guest room. Do you want me to stay in your room?"br /Hidan seemed to go other this his two brain cells really struggling against each other. While they were battling it out she popped the door open. It was…an interesting room. There weren't any dead bodies, there may have been quarters. She looked sideways at Hidan closed the door and went down the hall and put her pillowcase down in his bedroom. She wasn't going to say anything. Not a /She laid back in the silky sheets entranced by the poignant smell of roses seemingly embedded onto them. Hidan considered her then stripped down full nude. She didn't bother to look away. He was as fit as she imaged. Actually he was better equipped then she'd thought he'd be by attitude. He noticed her staring. Though he looked annoyed she'd bet Pein's annoyance and his jealousy far surpasses anything from the vulgar / "Don't look at me like that whore, push over. My fucking bed got a problem sleep on the damn couch or go back to pulling off your false god by his impure rosaries."br / She couldn't stop herself, "Your the one with a sex dungeon in their spare room."br / Hidan scowled, "It's a temple to Jashin."br / "Then why were you hiding it?"br / "I did not want it polluted by the heretic eyes of a slut like you."br / Thought confirmation would be needed she was pretty sure she'd seen gags, a riding crop, flogger, not to mention a few more questionable items that did not scream temple even for someone who was their boyfriend's literal angel. She rose an eyebrow, "Want to take me to church then?"br / Hidan scowled at her, "Why are you even here?"br / "I want to convert." And drive Pein to his knees to beg for her / "To the path of Jashin?" "Your boyfriend?"br / "Unlike you I do not follow the fiction of heretic heathen."br / She leaned back languidly dress rising past her thighs, showing off the lacy tops of her stockings. Her work, her life had taught her how to use her beauty as a commodity. It had shown her how to get what she wanted with it. Yet, frustratingly the Albino didn't seem to care. He pulled away ll the blankets and went to sleep. For a violent guy he was a peaceful sleeper. She decided to look /First thing she checked out the 'temple' it was well stocked. There was stuff she'd like to try out with Pein. There a symbol painted in the middle of the floor, the same one the Albino had as a tramp stamp. There were restrains to pin people down in it. There was a bed with the same lavish bloodied silk. The closet had chastity belts, more restraints, ropes, and robes that looked bloodied. There was a bible for that Jashin guy Hidan was probably giving blowjobs to in his spare time. There was also a cleaning supplies that smelled like vinegar and lemon and a first aid / Amid all this stuff she found a bill written in the landlords cramped handwriting. It was for among other things vomit cleanup, an intense flogging, and church boy role play. That last item was pricey. She found herself picturing what it could entail but with her Pein and the Albino. That was enticing. The bill was interesting. She wonders if the services had perhaps been rendered last night when she'd jumped the drunk Albino on the steps and left him to his own devices. If so, curious devices those had been./p 


	7. Can't get a break

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" On top of everything Kakuzu was fastidious—after all, it wouldn't do to lose a penny or dime to the couch cushions. He had a metal detector specifically for sweeping the floors of vacated (by death, not choice) tenant houses, halls, and stairwells. It was only while doing a routine cleaning and detection that he found the rosary under his bed. It smelled liked roses, he flicked it hearing a clear bell-like sound. Real silver, extravagant asshole. He tucked it in his pocket thinking of pawn shop three or so blocks off, thinking of the sum he could get for it. Maybe he could sell it as a novelty item on eBay or Amazon. br / Kakuzu finished cleaning. He organized his papers and checked to see if that blond idiot was late on rent again. Silver prices were low, maybe it was best to hold onto it until they went up, for fiscal sake. He put on water to boil and sat down with his book on sums. They kept changing the math, he needed to keep up or those young bastards would scam him, unless they were all as stupid as his tenants, especially the / When the teapot whistled he marked his place with the rosary. When he got a call about that brat from the upper floors he was forced to leave it there with his cooling /br / This brat his parents just let him run around the place. If they weren't so reliable with rent and low maintenance in other respects he'd regret having them on the lease. This time the kid had really started a shit show. br /The brat had positioned himself in the middle of a hallway clearing violating several fire codes. He was in a massive cardboard box with Puppet Bonanza written in brightly colored markers across it. br / Kakuzu sighed exasperatedly, "Where are your parents?" "Work," Tobi peered over the edge of his cardboard making a shushing motion, "Tobi is practicing. He is going to bring together the building with a Puppet Show. Mr. Sasori loves them, Tobi loves them, Sempai will love them. Rivals will bond just like in anime. You can come to Mr. Kakuzu. You must love puppets too because everyone loves puppets!" Kakuzu looked around, no one else was in the hall, but he felt like he was being watched on one of those candid camera shows. br / "I don't care for puppets."br / The kid's voice dropped sea deep like a demon's, "Everyone likes puppets." br / Kakuzu nodded. As much as he very much did not like puppets, the imbeciles voice had shifted from its chipper tone to something strangely deep which resounded oddly in his soul. The change was so quick and brief he was already convincing himself it hadn't happened at all./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" Kakuzu did his rounds looking for violations, unsolicited messages on the cork boards runs in the carpets. He noted all inconsistencies in his notebook. He was going to have to replace the carpet, the potential for lawsuits was starting to outweigh the cost of replacement. Also, he suspected death was soon in the works for a select few of his older tenants so he had to be prepared to draw in / When he passes Sasori's place he knocked hoping he could get the guy to wrangle the kid to no answer. He tried that travesties place to with no luck, the guy must actually be working for once. Maybe he'd found his calling in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or more likely at the local Burger King. br /He went for the emergency option, Pein and Konan, neighbors to the dumbass albino. The kid hung around them too and it was useless trying to talk to the parents about /He knocked hard, "Landlord open up." There was no answer. As the door was unlocked he let himself in. The place looked like shit takeout containers ready to rot on the coffee table, a cat that Kakuzu knew belonged to the hoarder on floor five was had dumped several things off the shelves and had itself tangled in a fluorescent pink thong. A burning smell wafted from the kitchen. To top it all off loud guttural sobs were coming from the bedroom a sad accompaniment to emo music. He made sure the oven was / "Angel is that you?" A sob echoed from the bedroom. Pein appeared at the door in an extremely ugly bathrobe, sandals, and a straw hat, only those three things. He wasn't even good looking just and emancipated mess. His eyes clouded with tears, "Ka—kakuzu?" br / "The fuck kind of bomb went off in here. Do you want to pay damages?" br / Pein had collapsed and wrapped his arms around Kakuzu's feet getting snot all over his freshly polished shoes. He tried to kick the guy off but it took the blow surprisingly well./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" "I'm charging for this," Kakuzu muttered as he gave Mr. Muffins the boot. Already he'd dumped everything loose into a fresh trash bag. The way he saw it this was protecting his investment. He wasn't letting his tenants treat the property like it was rental. This building was a safe place in the middle of a shitty neighborhood purely because he reputation keeps the shady types out with the trash, which he suspected he'd have to take down with him when he left. Pein was laying back listlessly on the couch his robe still gaping. Kakuzu threw a pillow his / "She left."br / "The stripper?" Kakuzu looked skeptically at the trashed place, this clean up would be worst if Konan had left she paid the bills and various fees this dumbass / "Left me…left me for him."br / So a scandal, well she'd have a better life with a sugar daddy then in this part of the / "Old Neilson, he likes tattoos." "Hidan that fuck, that psycho cult leading, albino, red-eyed, day of the dead fuck." br / Hidan? Kakuzu didn't believe it, well he did. Pein was a skinny deluded priest and Hidan (while he still thought he was a priest) was a lithe masterpiece worthy with lots of profit potential Pein simply didn't have. Also despite his complete financial incompetence he had / "Why not just go get her she's right across the hall."br / "I am god she must bow to me!" br / God so many dumbasses he really needed to get in that scientific study business, this place was a goldmine when it came to mental disorder and moral corruption. Not that Kakuzu gave a shit as long as they paid him. He didn't even do background checks. Dealers and smugglers made the best money and they'd pay some lofty sums for in digression. Kakuzu gripped him by the collar of his robe. He dragged the guy into the shower and turned it on, "Wake up dumbass and smell the coin. Because it's either that or get a job. This isn't a charity it's a business and I'm adding a fee to your bill for having to waste my precious time and thus my money on this utter bullshit."/p 


	8. Why?

p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" This damn day just wouldn't end. First puppets now he had to deal with the dumbass next door, and the Albino wasn't /Kohan opened the door for him dressed in jeans and a black sweater that couldn't have been hers. It was the most practical thing he'd ever seen her in and most of it wreaked like the Albino. br / "There is only approval for one person to live in this apartment. br / "I'm the only one here right now." br / "You are not the person on the lease." br / "I'm his guest, guests are allowed."br / She was starting to gain skill in countering his demands, an interesting development, but she was yet to reach his level. br / "Only while one is on the premises."br / She stood framed as if she'd stepped on the stage eyes gleaming, "Then fine the Albino, you can't fine me I'm not on a lease with you like Pein in my ass and Altar boy." br /Kakuzu sighed, this day just wouldn't end. He pulled out his notepad, "I'll add it to the tally I suppose."br / "While you're at it get the paperwork to allow further occupants I'm going to be staying here for a while." br / He narrowed his eyes. His pen snapped shooting shard of cheap plastic through his calloused hands, "I see, well I'll see you later Miss Kohan."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" It was a pain in the ass getting all the plastic out and worst he had to waste alcohol wipes on it, he'd been collecting them for months. He shouldn't have gotten mad, it was none of his who stayed where as long as he got his money. He'd make more off of the dancer if she kept room jumping anyway. She'd been wrong, she was on the lease with Pein as a cohabiter. He'd double checked in the paperwork once held finished with his hand. He still had a pendulum over her head until the occasion where she died or he did. br / He prepared the fresh paperwork, the menial task calming him. Just a shame about the pen, third this week. At this rate he'd need to go freebie hunting sooner rather than later, he would not start adding something as foolish as pens to his expenses, little things like that just added up. br / He put that on his schedule. It was a testament to this day that at that moment the sound of sirens penetrated the thin walls. He threw open his window peering into the street. The acrid bite of smoke crawled in the window from across the street where the cheapest convent store in ten blocks was burning and it was going to cost a shit tone to clean up all the ashes the wind was sending the way of his building. He slammed window shut and rolled up his sleeves. Maybe if he hurried he could schedule an appointment with a window washer who had yet to learn of the fire and salvage things with bargain prices./p 


	9. After The Fire

A total of two hours researching obscure clauses, five hours on the phone, and three hours of paperwork and Kakuzu got a very annoyed insurance agency to pay for the cleaning his exterior would need. Then he made a few hundred helping Mr. Sato from across the street with his own insurance papers. At the end of it all, he could conclude there was more gained than lost from the fire relief.  
It was unfortunate that amid the reorganization he'd forgotten to visit the pawnshop. That stupid silver rosary was still in his pocket when he went he brought the residency papers up to the Albino's place. No one answered so he let himself in and put the paperwork on the counter. Where was the dumbass it wasn't soapbox day and he never seemed to miss a chance to piss Kakuzu off? Was he actually working for once? Or maybe he was sleeping. The main bedroom was empty. The bathroom had a lot of beauty products but most had that caring rose scent the guy always had wafting off him. There was wax which Kakuzu hopped was the dancer's but after jell which was rose scented which suggested otherwise. Maybe the guest room?

"The hell were you doing in my apartment frugal fuck?"  
Kakuzu didn't even bother looking up he just took note of two fresh tallies, "Do you have the papers filled out? I won't waste my personal time on another trip."  
"Jashin will have your ass heathen."  
"Like I had yours?"  
Hidan slammed his hand down on the desk making the papers jump, "I had your ass. Hard as a blade you bleed like a sacrifice at the altar to Jashin."  
"Did you look at that receipt before you paid it?"  
"Service rendered."  
Kakuzu looked up at last curiosity getting him. Service rendered where had that come from? It was more shocking than any of the albino's colorful profanity…it was professional.  
"You choke on your own cock, the fuck's that look."  
"Did you fill out the papers?" Hidan scowled but handed them over. Kakuzu scanned over. They weren't shit actually. It hadn't occurred to Kakuzu before that the guy actually has some level of competence in finance. After all, he somehow wasn't bankrupt, "a dollar fifty, do you want to go for an even two dollars?"  
Hidan scowled, "Fuck you Heathen."


	10. Services Rendered

A total of two hours researching obscure clauses, five hours on the phone, and three hours of paperwork and Kakuzu got a very annoyed insurance agency to pay for the cleaning his exterior would need. Then he made a few hundred helping Mr. Sato from across the street with his own insurance papers. At the end of it all, he could conclude there was more gained than lost from the fire relief.  
It was unfortunate that amid the reorganization he'd forgotten to visit the pawnshop. That stupid silver rosary was still in his pocket when he went he brought the residency papers up to the Albino's place. No one answered so he let himself in and put the paperwork on the counter. Where was the dumbass it wasn't soapbox day and he never seemed to miss a chance to piss Kakuzu off? Was he actually working for once? Or maybe he was sleeping. The main bedroom was empty. The bathroom had a lot of beauty products but most had that caring rose scent the guy always had wafting off him. There was wax which Kakuzu hopped was the dancer's but after jell which was rose scented which suggested otherwise. Maybe the guest room?

"The hell were you doing in my apartment frugal fuck?"  
Kakuzu didn't even bother looking up he just took note of two fresh tallies, "Do you have the papers filled out? I won't waste my personal time on another trip."  
"Jashin will have your ass heathen."  
"Like I had yours?"  
Hidan slammed his hand down on the desk making the papers jump, "I had your ass. Hard as a blade you bleed like a sacrifice at the altar to Jashin."  
"Did you look at that receipt before you paid it?"  
"Service rendered."  
Kakuzu looked up at last curiosity getting him. Service rendered where had that come from? It was more shocking than any of the albino's colorful profanity…it was professional.  
"You choke on your own cock, the fuck's that look."  
"Did you fill out the papers?" Hidan scowled but handed them over. Kakuzu scanned over. They weren't shit actually. It hadn't occurred to Kakuzu before that the guy actually has some level of competence in finance. After all, he somehow wasn't bankrupt, "a dollar fifty, do you want to go for an even two dollars?"  
Hidan scowled, "Fuck you Heathen."


End file.
